We do not put watermelon up our shorts!

As Parker gets older and more curious, more adventurous, and well, disobedient, I find myself constantly making up new house rules.

There are the typical NO rules I'm pretty sure all moms create at some point...

1. No feet on the table.
2. No standing in your high chair.
3. No throwing food.
4. No pushing.

There are also the expected YES rules, because as everyone knows, you don't want to be one of those parents who says NO all the time. (I kid. I have no qualms with being one of those parents, but there are quite a few moms out there who actively avoid saying no, to whom I say, GOOD LUCK.) 

1. Yes, we hold hands when crossing the street.
2. Yes, we wash our hands before eating and after going to the bathroom.
3. Yes, we wear seat belts in the car. 
4. Yes, we say HELLO and GOOD MORNING and THANK YOU and YOU'RE WELCOME and BLESS YOU.
5. Yes, we cover our mouth when we sneeze. And cough.

Then there are the rules that I have made but know can be bent, because quite frankly, sometimes I don't even follow these rules myself. So I went ahead and bent them in advance as a mini-experiment. We'll see how things turn out in a few more years. 

1. No picking your nose (when other people are looking).
2. No eating in the TV room (when the food is likely to stain the carpet). 
3. Always Sometimes wear shoes outside. (Especially after The Case of the Foreign Object...)

Last but not least and probably most importantly, there are the rules that I never expected I would need to enforce as a  parent. The rules that I wonder if other parents also end up enacting. And the rules that I think are what actually make being a mama so damn fun.

My intuition tells me that this list will continue to evolve over time. I'll be sure to report back often...

1. We wear pants when we have guests. And in public.
2. We chew our food before swallowing it.
3. We do not climb into the dishwasher.
4. We do not eat popsicles for breakfast.
5. We do not touch our poop.
6. DON'T pull your penis so hard. (Seriously, doesn't that hurt? I don't have one, so I don't know.)
7. We do not cry when it is time to go to sleep. (Especially not me, I effing rejoice!)
8. We do not put watermelon up our shorts.

I crafted that last rule last night at dinner, when I saw Parker putting pieces of watermelon up his shorts in the fashion of Napoleon Dynamite and his Tots. Creative yes, but likely to result in a stain on my family room carpet, big yes. 

Clearly, it's a lot for a little guy to learn. But so far, it's going OK, except for #6. I'll let Jeremy deal with enforcing that one, though.